Wednesday, September 19, 2012
And we're off...
Three men are standing on the rooftop of a skyscraper. The first man says to the second, "There is an invisible trampoline at the bottom of this building, and if you jump off, you won't die but will simply bounce back up," to which the second man replies, "Fine, prove it." The first man darts off the rooftop, plummets down quickly, but sure enough, bounces back up over the ledge joining the other two on the rooftop. The second man exclaims, "That was awesome," and promptly dashes over the edge to his death, splattering across the pavement. The third man turns to the first and says, "Superman, you are such a dick when you're drunk."
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From Jake Dudek:
ReplyDeleteA Duck walks into a bar...
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: No, sorry, we don't have any bread
[After a few minutes]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: Look, we don't have any bread
[In a little while]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: We don't have any Fucking bread!
[Some time later]
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: If you ask me if I've got any Fucking bread once more, I'm gonna nail your FUCKING bill to this bar...
Duck: You got any nails?
Barman: NO!
Duck: You got any bread?
A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane. The scientist was bored and said to the poet, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5."
ReplyDeleteThe poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50."
The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"
The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.
The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."
The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.
The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?"
The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
ReplyDeletereally pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Two snares and a cymbal are standing on the edge of a cliff.
ReplyDeleteNaturally, the snares are married, Bob and Darlene are their names.
Janice, the cymbal, happens to be a long time friend of Bob, but has secretly had an on and off love affair with him since high school-- currently ongoing.
Of course Bob would never purposefully bring the two women together, for that would be inviting disaster, but there they were by a stroke of the most atrocious luck. Janice happened to be there because she was on her way back from the morgue. Earlier, while at work, she got a call informing her that the body of her baby brother was being held there and needed identifying. His face was warped, and appeared to have been beaten repeatedly by sticks.
Janice emotionally unstable, decides to confront Bob about their relationship right in front of his wife.
Darlene interjects, "dafuq is dis, Bob?!"
"Babe, I can explain!"
Darlene isn't having any of it. She had always had her suspicions but felt guilty suspecting her husband of being unfaithful. After years of denial and bottling up her emotions, she absolutely loses her head and lets her husband know whats what.
"Annd youuuuu!" Darlene shrieks at Janice, who, with the miraculous power of hindsight, has already begun to regret her confronting Bob at this particular moment, at this particular location. Janice begins to back peddle but Darlene seizes Janice by the throat, and in her rage attempts to hurl Janice over the edge.
Bob, compelled to action, leaps between the two, hoping to break up the tussle. Unfortunately, in the process of his heroics, Bob nudges his own wife off the cliff.
"Darlene!" Bob shouts, as he jumps after her.
"Bob!" Janice screams, as she follows.
The three locked in free fall, soon realize their inevitable end, and their lives flash before their eyes.
An instant before crashing upon the rocks below, they realize that collectively, they are about to leave two children, a bunny, and a kitten named Ginger orphaned.
Additionally, Janice's mother, who has been relying on her children for financial support, will surely be kicked out of the nursing home and left to live out the last of her days alone after having to bury both of her children.
Devasted, heartbroken, and afraid, they each die quick but painful deaths... with the exception of Janice's mother who will surely suffer a slow one.
Ba dum, cha.
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
ReplyDeletestripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, You is what you is."
This joke is funny. It is a racial slurr so some people might find it offensive but it made me laugh.
DeleteA man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."
ReplyDelete"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up"said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshmen rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
ReplyDeleteA man goes to his doctor for the results of his lab work. The doctor says, " I have two very unfortunate things to tell you. One is that you have cancer and the second is that you have Alzheimer's." The man responds with: "Well at least I don't have cancer!"
ReplyDeleteHow can you tell that a squatter has been staying on your couch?
ReplyDeletethey're still there.
So a guy walks into a bar and notices a little man sitting on the bar playing a piano. So the man walks up to the bartender, but got distracted by a glowing bag sitting behind the bartender. So the guy says, "hey what is in that glowing bag" and the bartender replies, "oh that is a bag of magical beans, if you make a wish it will come true!" So the guy says, "Okay I wish for a hockey puck!" Seconds later a duck comes walking into the bar. The man says, "Why did a duck walk in when I wished for a puck?" and the bartender replies, "Oh I meant to mention that the bag is hard of hearing. Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist."
ReplyDeleteThis one is a little bit racist. Please don't be offended :)
ReplyDeleteWhat's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre
What makes this joke "racist?"
Delete"Ethnic" would have been a better term, but I guess I was being a bit too careful
DeleteWhen all else fails, read the instructions.
ReplyDeleteIs this a joke or a maxim?
DeleteThose who laugh last, think the slowest.
ReplyDeleteSee above.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteKawinthi Fernando. Enjoy!
ReplyDeleteThree men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"
This is a horribly ethnic joke, but i got a good kick out of it.
ReplyDelete"An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane. "
A man was working in a grocery store when a lady walked up to him and said "Hey. Where can I find the broccoli?" The man then replied to the lady "I'm sorry ma'am, but we're out. We'll be getting more tomorrow", the lady walks off and the man continues to work.
ReplyDeleteAbout five minutes later, the same lady came up to him, and again asked "Excuse me sir. Where is the broccoli?", again the man politely replied "I'm sorry, but we're fresh out of broccoli. As I said, we will be getting more tomorrow". The lady walks off, and the man continues to work.
Another five minutes pass by, and just like before, the same woman asks the worker where the broccoli is. The man tells the lady "Spell cat. As in, catastrophic", the lady was confused, but still complied. "C-A-T", she replies. The man then says "Now spell dog, as in, dogmatic". Again, the woman replies "D-O-G". The man then says "Now spell fuck, as in, broccoli". The woman says "There's no fuck in broccoli." To which the man replies "That's what I've been trying to tell you, lady!"
This is a little inappropriate, but screw it I'll post it anyways.
ReplyDeleteA man goes to the doctor's office to get a yearly checkup when the doctor says to him "I'm sorry sir, but you're going to have to stop masturbating." The man replies with "What? Why? Is it hazardous to my health at all?" The doctor replies with "No, it's distracting me."
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
ReplyDeleteRemo, who was a painter of international repute, started losing his eyesight in the prime of his career. Naturally, he was very worried about the problem which would ultimately destroy his career, so he went to see Dr. Mehta, who was considered one of the best eye surgeons in the world.
ReplyDeleteDr. Mehta put in his best efforts and after several days of delicate surgery and therapy, Remo's eyesight was restored. Remo was so overwhelmed and thankful, that he decided to show his appreciation by repainting the doctor's entire office.
Remo painted a massive eye on one of the walls of Dr. Mehta's office. After completing his work, the painter held a press conference to disclose his latest work of art: the doctor's office.
During the press conference, a reporter asked Dr. Mehta, "What were your first thoughts when you saw your newly painted office, particularly that large eye on the wall?"
The doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank Heavens I'm not a proctologist.'"
An older gentleman has married a young bride and goes to the fertility doctor to have his sperm tested to see if he can still have children. the doctor hands gentleman a jar and tells him to come back in the morning with a sample.
ReplyDeleteIn the morning the gentleman comes back with an empty jar and the doctor asked what happens. and the man replies "First, I tried with my left hand then my right hand and nothing. Next my wife tried her left hand her right hand and even her teeth but nothing."
The doctor looks concerned.
"Finally my wife called over the neighbor boy he tried his left hand his right hand and his teeth and still nothing."
As the doctor goes to ask to check the bite marks, the man finishes with:"No matter what we did we just couldn't get that damn jar open."
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
ReplyDeleteWatson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."
A man goes to the doctor and describes his ailment.
ReplyDelete"Doctor, ever since last monday, my wife is convinced that she's a refrigerator!"
To which the doctor replies, "Heavens, that's terrible!"
"No!" The man replies, "It's quite alright, she's made terms with it, and we're happy."
"Why then have you come to me, sir?" Asked the doctor.
"I was wondering if you have sedatives, I can't sleep at night."
"I do, what seems to be the cause?"
"My wife sleeps with her mouth open."
A woman goes to the gynecologist, and upon examination, the doctor says, "Why it's immaculate here! What do you do to keep yourself so hygenic?"
ReplyDeleteThe woman responds, "I have a woman in twice a week."
Billing
ReplyDeleteA doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Factory Workers
ReplyDeleteIn a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.
Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't
pout when I yell at them."
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
ReplyDeleteAfter a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
''A hurricane is scheduled to hit Tampa during the Republican Convention. These winds are so strong they could actually blow some of Mitt Romney's money back in the United States.'' —Jay Leno
ReplyDelete''Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people.'' —Jimmy Fallon
''The founder of Home Depot announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. It's kind of a nice story, because Mitt Romney was actually assembled with parts from Home Depot.'' —Jimmy Fallon
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"
ReplyDeleteand he replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise..."
Christmas Time in Washington
ReplyDeleteThe Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.
George W. Bush vs. the Taliban
ReplyDeleteMullah Mohammed Hasan Akhund, the deputy Taliban leader, and George W. Bush agree to meet in Kabul for the first round of talks in a new anti-terrorism process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of Akhund's chair. They begin talking.
After about five minutes Akhund presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Akhund laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Akhund laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough.
"I'm headin' back home!" he calmly tells the Afghan. "We'll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Akhund flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Akhund notices three buttons on Bush's chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation. They begin talking and George presses the first button. Akhund ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers but they continue talking. A few minutes later he presses the second button. Akhund jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed, Akhund jumps up again, but again nothing happens.
Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Akhund. "I'm going back to Afghanistan!" George W. says, through tears of laughter, "What Afghanistan?"
How do bees travel?
ReplyDeleteThey take the buzz
A woman comedian said,"If I’m ever stuck on a respirator or a life support system I definitely want to be unplugged—but not until I’m down to a size eight."
ReplyDeleteA pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused.
ReplyDeleteShe moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.
They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?"
"I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then you sat under an ad that read 'Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling.' Then you moved under a deodorant advertisement which read 'William's Stick Did the Trick.' And I just couldn't hold it in any longer when you moved a fourth time and sat under a tire advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident.'"