Courtesy of Cara B.: Two nuns are riding their bicycles over a bumpy path back to their secluded convent. One nun exclaims to the other, "I've never come this way before," to which the other replies, "I have--it's the cobblestone."
There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette. They all decided to go to the bar and they got fake ids cause they were underage. So they go in and the bartender knows they are underage so he call the cops. The readhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave. So they go out the back door and they see this barn. They go inside and the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor. See tells the girls to each hide in a potato sack. Then the police arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around. They go into the barn and look everywhere. One cop says "They might be in those potato sacks". So he kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "woof woof". "That's a dog" he thinks to himself. He kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "Meow, meow" "Well that must be a cat" he thinks. Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice "po...ta...to...es!
Three men go on a ski trip together. They call up their travel agent, and they inform them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The three jump at the opportunity and they decide to go along there, only to be told by the hotel reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. While they would prefer their own rooms, they decide that they can share the room. So, the bellhop took their bags to the hotel room, and upon opening the door, they discover only one queen sized bed. Begrudgingly, the three men accept the accommodations, figuring that it's just for the night and that the skiing will be worth it in the morning.
So, the three men climbed into bed, and in the morning, they each exclaim how well-rested they felt. The guy on the right side of the bed said, "That was the best night of sleep I have ever had. I even had a dream that I had the best hand job ever last night."
The guy on the left side says, "That's funny, I had the exact same dream!"
"That's incredible!" he replied, "How about you Frank? Did you have the same dream?"
A man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! that's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted.
3 men go to Heaven. They are greeted by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter says to the 3 men, "Welcome to Heaven. There is only 1 rule in Heaven. Do not step on the ducks. God loves his ducks more than anything else, and you will be punished if you step on a duck." Saint Peter opens the gates, and lets the 3 men in. When they enter, they immediately notice that ducks are everywhere. They would have to be very careful not to step on the ducks.
A few days go by. One of the men accidentally steps on a duck. All of a sudden an angel appears and handcuffs the ugliest looking woman he has ever seen to him. The angel leaves.
A few weeks go by, and one of the other men steps on a duck. Again, an angel appears and handcuffs an extremely ugly woman to him.
The third man is very careful to never step on a duck. 3 years go by, and he never steps on a duck. One day an angel appears and handcuffs the most attractive, beautiful woman the man has ever seen to him. Before the man can question it, the angel disappears. The man looks over at the woman and says, "I don't know what I did, but it must have been something good." The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I just stepped on a duck."
A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk. The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years." The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?" "Food cold!" the man replied. Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?" "Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed. Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?" "I quit!" said the man. "Well," the head monk replied, "I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"
a boy is up at bat. the pitcher throws the first ball-- the boy whiffs and shouts, "goddammit i missed!" the umpire, having firm religious values, says to the batter: "watch your language or God will smite you" the pitcher throws the second ball, the boy whiffs and again shouts "goddammit i missed!" the umpire says to the boy, "Hey! i said watch your language or God will smite you!" the pitcher throws a third ball and again the boy curses, "GODDAMMIT I MISSED!" suddenly a bolt of lightning shoots down from the sky and strikes the umpire. after a moment the skies clear up and a voice from above says, "damn i missed"
California Vinters in the Napa Valley area. which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Griglo wines have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWhat did the egg say to the boiling water?
ReplyDelete"It might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid last night."
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
ReplyDelete"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
There was a blonde a redhead and a brunette. They all decided to go to the bar and they got fake ids cause they were underage. So they go in and the bartender knows they are underage so he call the cops. The readhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave. So they go out the back door and they see this barn. They go inside and the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor. See tells the girls to each hide in a potato sack. Then the police arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around. They go into the barn and look everywhere. One cop says "They might be in those potato sacks". So he kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "woof woof". "That's a dog" he thinks to himself. He kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "Meow, meow" "Well that must be a cat" he thinks. Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice "po...ta...to...es!
ReplyDeleteThree men go on a ski trip together. They call up their travel agent, and they inform them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The three jump at the opportunity and they decide to go along there, only to be told by the hotel reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. While they would prefer their own rooms, they decide that they can share the room. So, the bellhop took their bags to the hotel room, and upon opening the door, they discover only one queen sized bed. Begrudgingly, the three men accept the accommodations, figuring that it's just for the night and that the skiing will be worth it in the morning.
ReplyDeleteSo, the three men climbed into bed, and in the morning, they each exclaim how well-rested they felt. The guy on the right side of the bed said, "That was the best night of sleep I have ever had. I even had a dream that I had the best hand job ever last night."
The guy on the left side says, "That's funny, I had the exact same dream!"
"That's incredible!" he replied, "How about you Frank? Did you have the same dream?"
"Nope. I dreamt I was skiing."
A man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! that's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."
ReplyDeleteAfter a moment of silence, he farted.
3 men go to Heaven. They are greeted by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Saint Peter says to the 3 men, "Welcome to Heaven. There is only 1 rule in Heaven. Do not step on the ducks. God loves his ducks more than anything else, and you will be punished if you step on a duck." Saint Peter opens the gates, and lets the 3 men in. When they enter, they immediately notice that ducks are everywhere. They would have to be very careful not to step on the ducks.
ReplyDeleteA few days go by. One of the men accidentally steps on a duck. All of a sudden an angel appears and handcuffs the ugliest looking woman he has ever seen to him. The angel leaves.
A few weeks go by, and one of the other men steps on a duck. Again, an angel appears and handcuffs an extremely ugly woman to him.
The third man is very careful to never step on a duck. 3 years go by, and he never steps on a duck. One day an angel appears and handcuffs the most attractive, beautiful woman the man has ever seen to him. Before the man can question it, the angel disappears. The man looks over at the woman and says, "I don't know what I did, but it must have been something good." The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I just stepped on a duck."
Kawinthi Fernando.
ReplyDeleteA man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.
The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Food cold!" the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?"
"Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"I quit!" said the man.
"Well," the head monk replied, "I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"
The local movie theater was robbed of $254 last night. The robbers took a bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a large drink.
ReplyDeletea boy is up at bat.
ReplyDeletethe pitcher throws the first ball-- the boy whiffs and shouts, "goddammit i missed!"
the umpire, having firm religious values, says to the batter: "watch your language or God will smite you"
the pitcher throws the second ball, the boy whiffs and again shouts "goddammit i missed!"
the umpire says to the boy, "Hey! i said watch your language or God will smite you!"
the pitcher throws a third ball and again the boy curses, "GODDAMMIT I MISSED!"
suddenly a bolt of lightning shoots down from the sky and strikes the umpire.
after a moment the skies clear up and a voice from above says, "damn i missed"
California Vinters in the Napa Valley area. which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Griglo wines have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
ReplyDeleteThe new wine will be marketed as Pino More
From Ivana:
ReplyDeleteA local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
A judge is hearing a child abuse case where the child is being beaten by his mother. He decides it is best that the child stays with his aunt.
ReplyDeleteThe boy hears this and quietly say, "...but, but she beats me too."
The judge then recommends custody should then be given to his grandmother.
The boy, yet again, says, "She beats me as well."
This time the judge asks the boy who he feels should have custody.
The judge give the boy a moment to think about it.
Finally the boy gives his answer, "I would like the Red Sox to have custody of me because I know I won't get beat by them."
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ReplyDeleteOne ... men will screw anything.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
ReplyDeleteThe ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.