Friday, October 12, 2012
Animal Farm...
From one of my favorite comics, Mitch Hedburg, on the differences between frogs and bears:
"I like to talk about the differences between frogs and bears. When there’s a frog around I don’t have to hang my sandwiches from a branch. A frog knows they are for me. He’d rather have a fly, ‘cause a fly zigzags and my sandwiches do not. Unless I go like this. When I want some honey on some toast I don’t have to squeeze a plastic frog.” -Mitch Hedberg
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
The NYPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
ReplyDeleteThe CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'
Outside of a dog, books are a man's best friend: inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
ReplyDelete-Groucho Marx
A man's dog has a problem so he takes him to the vet's. The vet looks at the dog and says that he'll have to take him to the examining room. In the examining room, he takes a cat out of a cage and lets the cat walk all over the dog, but the dog doesn't do anything.
ReplyDeleteThe doctor says "Your dog is dead."
The man goes out to the receptionist and asks for his bill.
"That'll be $325" says the receptionist.
"What! $325? How's that possible?"
"It's $25 for the consultation, and $300 for the CAT scan."
This joke is very cute. It has a play on words for cat vs CAT Scan.
DeleteRecently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.
ReplyDeleteA frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".
The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"
The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."
Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.
The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
Why are worms great at poker? They have five hearts.
There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
ReplyDeleteThe first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSo there are two sharks swimming in the ocean and they see some swimmers above them. One shark says "Hey, let's go eat those swimmers." The other shark says "Not yet, first we have to up to the surface, swim around them and show them just a little bit of fin." So they do.
ReplyDeleteWhen they get back down beneath, the first shark says "Okay, now can we eat them?" The second shark says "Wait, now we go up, circle them, and show them A LOT of fin." So they do.
They get back down and the first shark says "Okay, NOW can we eat them?" and the second shark replies "yeah, now we eat them."
They have their tasty meal, and when they get back under, the first shark asks "Alright, so what's with the whole show them our fins routine?"
The second shark replies "They taste better without the shit in 'em."
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he’ll have a little fun.
ReplyDeleteVentriloquist: “G’day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?”
Villager: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”
Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”
Dog: “Doin’ all right.”
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
Dog: “Yep.”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Villager: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either….I think.”
Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
Horse: “Cool.”
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at the villager)
Horse: “Yep.”
Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Villager: “The sheep’s a liar.”
A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn’t have a scent, the deer didn’t have a buck so they put the meal on the duck’s bill.
ReplyDeleteThis joke is really funny. I really enjoy animal puns. Heres one:
DeleteHow do fish get high? Seaweed.
Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
ReplyDeleteEvery other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"
I got a parrot, and the parrot talked, but it did not say “I'm hungry,” so it died.
ReplyDelete- Mitch Hedberg
I love this joke because of the way it exemplifies Mitch Hedberg's humor. It is short, to the point, and funnier then it really should be.
DeleteAn old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
ReplyDeleteDear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba
Read more: http://www.ajokeaday.com/ChisteDelDia.asp#ixzz29eBfEdMv
Form Feed Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident: Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus. A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows: Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo
ReplyDeleteWhy did the boy drop his ice cream?
ReplyDeleteBecause he was hit by a bus