While many of the jokes that have found their way to this archive could be rationalized (i.e. we could even if heavy-handedly, explicate why they are funny), the focus of our jokes this week will be those that are completely absurd and whose humor defies logic. I begin with one that I heard years ago from my wife:
Boy: Daddy, I want a cookie!
Father: No hands, no cookie.
Whats green and has wheels?
ReplyDeleteGrass, I lied about the wheels.
What is yellow, has wheels and lies on its back?
ReplyDeleteA school bus after a horrible traffic accident.
This is really offensive... so I apologize
ReplyDeleteWhat do you do when a person has a seizure in a bathtub?
Throw in a load of dirty laundry.
I enjoyed it, no need to apologize. :-)
DeleteHow are an aspirin and an elephant similar?
ReplyDeleteThey're both small, white, and round, except for the elephant.
Kobe Bryant is angry with Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak, whom he believes is blocking a potential trade with unreasonable demands. It must be so frustrating when someone else's unreasonable demands get in the way of your own.
ReplyDeleteWhat's the similarity between a duck and a tablespoon? Neither one is a bear.
ReplyDeleteA man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
ReplyDeleteThe monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks agina accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
I like my coffee the way I like my women. Full of BEEEEEEEEEEESSSS.
ReplyDeleteWhat is blue and orange and lays at the bottom of a pool?
ReplyDeletea baby with slashed floaties
What is red and orange and floats on top of a pool?
floaties with a slashed baby
Why was the boy sad?
ReplyDeleteBecause he had a frog stapled to his face.
What is red and smells like blue paint?
ReplyDeleteRed paint.
A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots. The bartender says "Rough day, eh?" The man says "Yes, very rough."
ReplyDeleteHe then goes home and hangs himself.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out she will kill me!!
ReplyDelete.....
Two hunters are in the woods and one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm soothing voice replied "Take it easy. I can help. First let's make sure he is dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone the hunter says "now what?"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
ReplyDeleteTo eat the dead shark lying on the other side.
how do you kill a blue elephant?
ReplyDeleteshoot it with a blue elephant gun.
how do you kill a pink elephant?
choke it until it turns blue, then shoot it with the blue elephant gun.
Why did the little girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.
ReplyDelete